


Mutual Pining

by marshv



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: F/F, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, brief eating disorder romanticization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 21:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4850762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marshv/pseuds/marshv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mabel is back home in California but can't wait to visit Gravity Falls and see her friends again. Especially Pacifica.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> Two loosely connected Mabifica drabbles. Maybe more if there's interest.
> 
> Not enough Mabifica in the AO3 tag that doesn't have it as a side ship.

It was good to be home. She had missed her bed and her room and the California weather. She missed her parents and her neighbors and her friends at school. But she had gotten so used to life in Gravity Falls the readjustment was... difficult.

Mabel missed a lot of things.

Unpacking took longer than it should have. She paused to stare at everything she pulled out of her suitcase to soak up the memories that flooded her head: the sweater she wore when she arrived, the earrings she had on when she met her friends, the bottles and messages from Mermando, a few puppets she still kept.

Her scrapbook.

She opened up the first page and smiled. Her brother finally smiled and looked at the camera after she bugged him enough. He was too disgruntled when they first arrived to cooperate very much. It was before he got his new hat and before the gnome incident that brought him out of his funk.

The second and third pages were all of their room at the Mystery Shack. Before and afters when she decorated her side of the room and awkward photos of the scenery from outside her window, before she knew how to take good pictures.

As she flipped through more familiar faces appeared. There was dozens of pages devoted entirely to Candy and Grenda whom she missed terribly. She never had a shortage a friends, even if people saw her as a little odd. People liked her. She was outgoing and optimistic. But she had never had friends she connected with in such a strong way like the ones she made in Oregon.

Before she left, the three of them made bracelets for each other and exchanged numbers while she and her sibling waited for the bus that would take them home. She wanted their last day to be fun but the emotions were too much for her and instead, she spent the day with the two of them hugging and periodically tearing up at the thought of not seeing them again– her joyful demeanor broken.

Of course it wasn't forever. She would be back and even if she wouldn't they had ways to contact each other. On the long ride home she talked to them on the phone and chatted about nothing, instead of jumping from topic to topic like they normally. She felt a strange absolution in the situation, like it was really the end and without them, a part of her was missing.

About a quarter of the way into her scrapbook pictures of Pacifica started cropping up and Mabel blushed. At first she appeared sporadically, but the further she got in, there was a picture of her on every page.

Mabel's fingers clutched at the edges of the book, shaking with regret. She tried so many times to be positive. But in the end, the fear of rejection prevented her from proceeding. She didn't expect to become so close with her. The ache in her heart served as a constant reminder of what could have been: Glowing warmth and kisses in place of the ache.

But, she had gotten her number too.

At the end of the book there was an influx of family pictures. Grunkle Stan and Ford eventually agreed to pose for a family photo (after being pried away from work) and she and Dipper took a bunch together at the various places they visited around town.

Waddles, who got huge after three months, had his own section at the end. Her uncles agreed to take care of him when her parents absolutely refused to let her keep him. He'd be waiting for her when she got back and Ford promised he would take pictures of him as he grew. Stan just said he'd feed him and not let him outside again, something he said with conviction.

After hours of getting lost in photos and hours more resting from the bus ride and the emotional roller coaster of memories, Mabel got a text from her mom asking if she and Dipper wanted to go see their uncles during winter break.

She was shocked for a minute, just staring at the words on her phone, then squealed and grinned and bounced on her bed and replied 'yes' with far too many exclamation points than necessary. She couldn't wait.


	2. Insecurities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pacifica felt sick to her stomach at the dinner table. Her parents were always right about everything. But it's hard to be obedient when your heart wants something the complete opposite.

The weather outside was dangerous and threatening. Rain pounded against the massive windows in the Northwest’s dining room, a perfect metaphor for the current dinner conversation and Pacifica’s internalized self hatred brought on by what was being said.

“It’s ridiculous!” Mr. Northwest waved a fork around. “This country worked fine before why all the changes all of a sudden?”

Her mother nodded with a mouthful of steak while Pacifica kept her back straight and her head down, pushing around the food on her plate.

“I’ll tell you why,” he continued, voice still too loud. “It’s because they’re being pressured. Everything has to be politically correct nowadays. But what they’re forgetting is that some people are just better than others.”

“It’s always been that way.” her mother added.

“Exactly! But now we have all these low life’s and degenerates insisting that’s not true. Well pardon me for disagreeing but this great country was founded on traditional principles. And now we have to try to raise our daughter in a place where those people are free to roam around and do whatever they please. Who knows what they’ll want next?”

“Like you mentioned before,” her mother chimed. “They’re going to want exemptions from the law and free money. They’re no better than those welfare queens. It’s disgusting.”

Pacifica felt sick to her stomach. Clutching her chair, she squeezed the cushion until her fingers turned numb. Her other hand continued to poke mindlessly at her food in an attempt to stay grounded.

“If you ask me it’s all a secret agenda. They pass all these new laws and repeal these rules we have in place and before you know it you have people lining up to marry their dogs. They’ve got a plan to bring about the downfall of society and they’re making sure we all go down with them!” he slammed a fist onto the table making Pacifica jolt.

“Can I be excused?” she asked all too quiet.

They both turned to look at her and she felt their eyes glaring in at every imperfection both superficial and otherwise.

“Pacifica you hardly ate a thing. I’m so proud of you!” her mother smiled with a grin that was entirely too wide for her gaunt face.

Pacifica forced a smile that would have looked fake to anyone bothering to pay attention. But inside her stomach churned with a mix of hunger and a hatred that was preventing her from staying at the table any longer.

She left the table feeling dazed and nauseous and choked it all up to disappointing her parents instead of the fear she was really feeling. All her insecurities boiled to the top and she collapsed on her bed sobbing, taking a slight comfort in the fact that no one would be around to see her like this.

Her hands tangled in the sheets and she screamed into a pillow with a force that broke her voice. Disgusting. She was disgusting. She should feel ashamed of herself. How could she do this to her parents after all they had done for her? She was a terrible daughter and a degenerate. A low life. She was going to end up with nothing and she would have no one to blame for herself.

A small part of her though, blamed Mabel. For existing. But it was her own fault for getting close to her. She knew this. Mabel made her too comfortable. She made her guard go down and her insecurities disappear. She felt it growing the longer they spent together. She was too kind and too trusting and too fun loving and it made Pacifica want to smile and laugh and cry and never see her again all at once.

Why was this happening to her? Why was she the one who was cursed with this? Why was such a rotten kind of love forced on her and why couldn’t she get rid of it? She wanted to be normal. She wanted to make her parents proud and be the image of perfection they had in mind for her without sacrificing what her heart wanted.

But what her heart wanted wasn’t right. Was it? No it was wrong and ugly and corrupted. It wasn’t ok to feel this. Only bad people felt this.

She was a bad person.

Maybe in a year it would pass. She wouldn’t call Mabel and she wouldn’t answer texts. She would forget about her. Mabel was friends with everyone she met so there was no doubt she would move on. Pacifica wasn’t needed in her life.

The sound of her phone almost went off unheard over the sound of her sobbing and the loud shuffling of sheets.

Without looking she answered it, forgetting to stop sobbing and whining into the receiver, not that she would have been able to anyway.

“Oh my gosh Pacifica are you ok? You sound like you’re crying!”

Mabel’s voice cut through her haze like an ax to a log. With much struggling she answered, her voice still shaking a terrible amount.

“Um no? I mean, yeah. But I’m not sad.” she scoffed. “Why are you always worrying about me?”

Pacifica could practically see Mabel’s eyes narrowing on the other side of the receiver.

“Are you sure? That doesn’t sound like happy crying that sounds like sad crying to me.”

“Ugh! What do you want Mabel?” she rolled over on her side.

“I have some great news that will definitely cheer you up one hundred percent! You crying will be a thing of the past because this is gonna make you so happy you won’t have time to be sad ever again!”

Pacifica didn’t reply. With tired eyes she sighed waiting for Mabel to get to the point.

“Do you wanna hear the neeeews?” Mabel drew out the last word and Pacifica could tell she was grinning on the other end, ready to burst from excitement.

“Yes!” she rolled her eyes. “God it’s like you want to be annoying!”

“Pshhhh I know you love me!”

She blushed.

“Anyway,” Mabel continued, “My parents said me and Dipper get to come up again during winter break! It’s only for two weeks but I get to see you again!”

The news scared her more than anything. She wanted to get Mabel out of her head and work toward becoming a better daughter, a better person with morals and some sense of normalcy. If Mabel came back it meant her plan was ruined. She wouldn’t be able to keep her away. Mabel would show up on her doorstep regardless of what Pacifica said and Pacifica wouldn’t be able to stop herself this time. She’d break down and tell her everything and Mabel would hug her and accept her instead of doing the right thing and turning her away. She’d encourage her and support her and Pacifica would just be an awful disgusting person her whole life.

“Pacifica? Are you still there?”

A unmistakable whimper was all Mabel heard.

“Mabel I’m a bad person and you shouldn’t visit me.”

“What!” Mabel practically screamed. “Pacifica you’re a wonderful person! You’re my best friend and I miss you a lot. Why would you think you’re a bad person?”

The pillow she rested on had a wet spot that just continued to get larger.

“I just am.”

Mabel didn’t say much for a few seconds. Just a couple stuttered words and syllables as she decided on what to say.

“But you’re not. And if that’s what you think then I have to come visit you! I can’t let my best friend think she’s a terrible person when she’s not!”

The energy in her voice was both desperate and assertive. Pacifica could only listen while Mabel spouted things that sounded like they had been rehearsed many times before.

“Look, Pacifica. If something’s wrong I want you to tell me. I know you do bad stuff sometimes but whatever is bothering you, whatever’s got you thinking you’re a terrible person, I know I won’t stop being your friend because of it.”

A wet and angry whine was all Pacifica could reply with. Frustration and tears that wouldn’t stop were the only things that existed for her at the moment. She ran a hand back through her hair and ground her teeth together in a snarl that was directly at her inability to ignore her feelings.

Somehow Mabel knew not to question it, and kept talking.

“You’re not the person everyone wants you to be. But that’s ok. Because sometimes, who you are and who people want you to be are different. And it’s ok to be different!” she paused and Pacifica could hear her taking a deep breath.

“You shouldn’t live your life doing whatever other people tell you to do. Because I know that deep down, regardless of what you or anyone else thinks, you’re a sweet, funny, smart, beautiful girl. And I’m really happy to have you in my life.”

Pacifica didn’t bother to hide her sobs anymore and let out everything in a torrent of crying and coughing and gasping. She held her pillow against her chest and wailed into the wet fabric while still keeping the phone against her ear. Her eyes burned and blurred with tears that soaked everything they touched. The shaking in her shoulders shook the bed while she curled in on herself and let her feelings take over everything.

When she finally stopped, Mabel was still there. Her voice was soft and gentle, no hint of anything except sweet and sincere concern and quiet knowing.

“Are you ok?”

Pacifica sat up, determination on her face, and wiped a sleeve over her eyes and under her nose. Mirroring the deep breath Mabel had taken a few minutes ago, she finally spoke.

“Mabel.” her voice with all the conviction of someone on trial. “I like girls.”

One simple sentence– in it all her reservations about her own morality and every single insecurity that prevented her from being truly confident in herself. It took less than three seconds to say and the silence after it lasted only a second. But the dawning realization of what she had just admitted made it feel like hours.

Mabel’s gasp was the only thing that warned her about the high pitched screech that came after. She hardly had time to move the phone from her ear.

“OH MY GOD PACIFICA YOU TOO? WE SHOULD BE GIRLFRIENDS!”

Pacifica smiled for the first time since Mabel left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to write endings.


End file.
